So… I think I’m ready to write about what happened over the last few months. I’ve had a really bad go of it mentally. A really bad breakdown at work led to me finally coming face to face with my actual diagnosis.
Previously my doctors had always been a bit sketchy when telling me what my actual diagnosis was. I was told things like “Just tell people you have some depression and anxiety, because if I give you a label you will probably just research yourself into a deeper hole than you are already in.” This had always sort of bugged me, but I knew it was true so I went along with it.
After losing yet another job and having an intense dissociative experience I found myself in my doctor’s office being told that what I had always suspected was true… I was about to research myself into that deeper hole.
If I’m being honest I have to say I’d always sort of suspected Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) just because of the way that my emotions would flip back and forth and up and down seemingly without any warning. But having your doctor tell you that it is true and that he recommends that you “abstain from work” while you engage in some “intense therapy” and “life stabilization” for the foreseeable future was still a bit hard to take.
I didn’t know much about BPD but a quick internet search led to terrifying results. An article in Psychology Today described it like this:
“Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and an individual’s sense of identity.”
Yep… Sounded a lot like me…
It wasn’t this article that was the most terrifying. What destroyed me the most was when I read the article “Can people with Borderline Personalities Succeed in Life.” The article was not very hopeful and basically concluded that:
“The silent majority [of BPD sufferers] are hidden in the shadows or our society. Often in dire economic straits from under- and un-employment, these sufferers either become profoundly lonely or endure repeated abusive relationships. Too many subsist on disability checks or end up homeless, institutionalized, or imprisoned.”
Why am I lonely? Because I don’t want to hurt the people I love and the people that try to be my friend just don’t have the strength to watch me fall apart.
I’m Scared…
~Elena <3
