I guess it’s that time of the year again, where all the traditions and dysfunctions of the “Holiday Season” rear their ugly heads. It is bad enough that we have all these unrealistic expectations that society places on us but we also place them on ourselves.
My mom always said that “Christmas is what you make it” and my victim mentality said that it wasn’t “fair” that I had to do everything to “create” Christmas and I wanted to somehow make other people understand what I wanted.
In the past I’ve always tried so hard to somehow force Christmas to be what I wanted it to be, I thought that if I were to decorate more or buy better presents then somehow it would feel like what I “thought” Christmas “should” feel like.
My Christmas memories are a jumbled up mess of good moments and traumatic events so as you can imagine, while on the outside I was as Christmas as anyone could get it has been a very tumultuous love/hate relationship.
What I’ve learned is that I cannot force anything to be something that it isn’t. And who says that Christmas should be what I think it should be anyway?
I took a long hard look at what Christmas really is for me and realized that I don’t really need presents that are only bought for the sake of there being a present. I don’t like watching other family members open a hundred presents while I sit there pretending I’m just as happy with the two measly presents I got. And I don’t really like turkey or mashed potatoes or sitting around in a family member’s house being bored for hours watching movies I don’t like or watching people play video games I don’t care about.
I was going to boycott the “traditional” Christmas altogether but my friends figured that it is quite possible that I would regret my decision on Christmas day. They have convinced me to give it “one last go around” but to do it more on my terms. Do the things I want and be ready to just walk away when I decide that I’m done doing something I don’t really like. But most of all not to expect certain things to be any different than they will be. Afterall Expectations are premeditated resentments and some things never change.
As I write this I’m sitting in a room with a lit but undecorated tree and I’m not really sure if or when I’ll get around to decorating it. I don’t really know how this Christmas is going to play out, but what I do know is that I can’t force it to be something it isn’t. If I do decide to go be part of “Christmas” I’m going to have to accept that it is what it is, and just leave as soon as I’m done with it.
~ Elena <3