So, last week we found out I was allergic to Penicillin. This week finds me on an antibiotic that my doctor describes as effective but “it really messes with your gut”. I figure, hey, my gut is pretty messed up already so what could possibly go wrong?!

Pro tip: Don’t ask that question! It opens you up for a world of hurt!

So, my tummy has been a little off for the past few days, which I thought was what the doctor must have been talking about. It didn’t feel right, but it wasn’t actually horrible. Today however I learned that things can rapidly get MUCH WORSE!

How rare is rarely fatal?! Surely if you have to warn me it is a possibility it isn’t as rare as I’d like it to be…

I checked with my doctor and found out that the side effect that I am experiencing is “not uncommon and rarely fatal” and that I don’t need to be worried unless it lasts for “a few weeks” after I stop taking the medication. WAIT WHAT?!

“RARELY fatal” implies that indeed this side effect is known to at least sometimes be fatal! How is THAT comforting?! If something is “NOT uncommon” and “RARELY fatal” doing a quick calculation in my head leads me to believe that this is quite possibly more fatal than I really want to know about! Who thought this is a good idea?! Not to mention “a FEW weeks?!” um, I’m sorry but this is not the kind of thing that I want to deal with for a FEW weeks!

So, faced with this news any normal person would just hide until this side effect passes, but in typical fashion the universe just isn’t that kind to me (I mean it wouldn’t be as funny if it was) and I am in a situation where this becomes ever more awkward and bizarre.

The Situation:

I have been talking with a nice guy online for a couple of weeks and we have been really hitting it off, and we decided that we were going to meet in person tomorrow night. (you can see where this is headed). So, I’ve been eagerly awaiting this Friday night only to wake up this morning to find out that if I even THINK of moving my body I shit myself!

Now, please explain to me how you tell a nice guy you’ve never actually met “Sure I still want to meet you tomorrow, but I might shit my pants…”? Do I go with “maybe we should wait a ‘few’ weeks until I get my horrible anal leakage under control”? (Oh, to add insult to injury I was specifically told not to take any medications that would ‘stem the flow’ if you will…)

Is there anything more mortifying than having your first impression messed up by having to say to a guy “Yeah, I can’t stop shitting and we don’t really know when it will end. But don’t worry, I probably won’t die from it!” Although, maybe if the guy is understanding of the situation and willing to wait that means he is a keeper? (either that or has some horrible fetish that you don’t want to Google…)

How is a guy supposed to respond when you cancel a first date because of uncontrolled anal leakage?

So, you see the predicament: Do I warn him? (and risk everything just being cancelled before he even has a chance to meet the super awesome person I am) Or Do I hope that I can keep things under control long enough to make a relatively classy first impression? (and likely fail miserably resting my only hopes on the slight possibility he has a twisted sense of humour)

Don’t worry, based on my previous experience with this universe, no matter which I choose there will be some hilariously tragic story to follow…

~ Elena <3

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